Monthly Archives: January 2014


Heaven Knows, Any Drone Goes!

ANY DRONE GOES  (Parody of  Cole Porter’s Anything Goes)

Times have changed, And we’ve often rewound the clock,
Since the Puritans got a shock, Allegedly landing on Plymouth Rock.

If today, Pilgrim immigrants came again,
‘Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock, a Drone / might land / on them.

In olden days a search / without warrant Was something we thought abhorrent, Now RAND PAUL knows, Any Drone Goes.

Good lawyers who the 4th Amendment knew was not some legal residue
Or quaint prose, Any Drone Goes.

The world has gone mad today And good’s bad today,
And black’s white today, And day’s night today,
When most guys today That women prize today
Marry other Men You Know!

And though I’m not a litigator I know that / soon-er or later
If POTUS propose /Any Drone Goes!




During 4½ years as secretary of Defense under presidents George W. Bush and Obama, Robert M. Gates was widely lauded as a shrewd national security mandarin who had seen it all, done it all and most important, could stay above it all in the partisan wars of Washington.
So the snarky put-downs and petulant asides in his impassioned, if somewhat contradictory, memoir, “Duty: Memoirs of a Secretary at War,” come as something of a surprise. Or delight.

Behind his mask of calm civility, Gates nursed grudges, tallied up slights and jotted down the caustic ripostes that he never delivered in public. The carping and zingers already have generated headlines.

Gates recounts his outrage at Obama closing an Oval Office meeting by warning “those of you writing your memoirs” that he had not made a decision. “I was offended by his suspicion that any of us would ever write about such sensitive matters,” Gates huffs in … his memoir. I LOVE THIS TOWN!

MEMOIRES  (Parody of “Mem’ries” from CATS)

Midnight, Not a sound from the white house
Has the press lost its memory?
 It is smiling alone
In the lamplight
 The book reviews collect at my feet
And Bob Woodward begins to moan

Memoirs All alone on the talk shows
I can smile at the old days
 I was beautiful then
I remember
 The time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Every press hit Seems to beat a fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the white house sputters
Another news cycle dawning

 I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies,
another night is over
Another day is dawning

 It’s so easy to read me
All alone with my memories
Of my days in the sun
If you buy my book
You’ll understand what happiness is
Quick – before a new memoir is begun!


West Virginia, Bottled Water, Take Me Home!



West Virginia authorities are slowly lifting a five-day ban on tap water that has been in effect since a toxic chemical spill contaminated the state’s water supply last week. More than 300,000 people have not been able to drink, cook or even bathe with tap water.
The crisis began when 7,500 gallons of the chemical 4-methyl-cyclo-hexane methanol leaked from a storage tank at Freedom Industries, located on the Elk River just north of the capital Charleston and the region’s water supply treatment facility. Citizens first noticed something was wrong when the water started to smell like licorice.

Bottled Water
(Parody of Country Roads, by John Denver)

Almost heaven, West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River
Life is old there, older than the trees

Country roads, take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia, BOTTLED WATER
Take me home, country roads

All my memories, gathered ’round her
Miners’ Lady, stranger to blue water
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky
Misty taste of licorice, in Charleston’s water supply


I hear her voice, in the morning hour she calls me
The radio reminds me to bring drinks from far away
And drivin’ down the road I get the feeling
That I should have not drunk water yesterday, yesterday


Christie: "Baby It’s Not Your Year To Run!"



You Give Crooks A Bad Name
(Shot through the heart) You Give Love a Bad Name
By Bon Jovi

Stuck on the bridge & you’re to blame
You give crooks a bad name
An angel’s smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven then put me through hell

Chains of Ft Lee got a hold on me
When the ramps are closed you can’t break free

Oh! You’re a loaded gun,
 Oh! There’s nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done

Stuck on the bridge and you’re to blame
You give crooks a bad name
(Bad name)
The George Washington Bridge Song
(59th Street Bridge song)

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
There’s gonna be traffic problems in Ft Lee.
Should have endorsed Chris Christie.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da…Chris Christie.

Hello commuters What cha knowin’?
I’ve come to watch your blood pressure growin’.
Ain’t cha got no votes for me?
Doot-in’ doo-doo, chris christie

I’ve got no deeds to do, No promises to keep.
I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to eat.
Let the morning time drop all it’s petals on me.
Ft Lee, F You, I’m Chris Christie.


Sochi 2014 Olympics: Putin on the Ritz

The Olympics and Russia have had a difficult time over the years. In 1980, Moscow hosted the Summer Olympics only to have the US Boycott them because of the then-Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. Now that the US has concluded ITS invasion of Afghanistan, all is forgiven apparently as Russia (formerly Soviet Union) hosts the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi. Where’s Sochi you ask? Don’t ask!

Sochi is a remote town in the Caucuses (where Caucasians come from) on the Black Sea. There’s lots to see and do besides freeze and drink vodka. In addition to new billion-dollar Olympic venues, it boasts an anciet cemetary AND Anton Checkov’s cottage!

But it wouldn’t be the Olympics (or Russia) without drama — Homosexual propaganda is outlawed in Russia. (This does NOT include President Putin’s frequent homoerotic shirtless appearances hunting, fishing, riding, and posing.)

Therefore, our natural tribute to Putin’s straight olympics is “Putin on the Ritz.” Written for the 1930 musical film of the same name, in which it was introduced by Harry Richman, it was originally about poor blacks in Harlem who “put on the Ritz”, or pretended to be affluent–a reference to the Ritz Hotel. When Fred Astaire sang it six years later, Berlin had changed the lyrics to pertain to affluent whites. It was featured to great comedic effect in Mel Brooks’ 1974 picture Young Frankenstein. And now, Vlad the Impaler.

Putin on the Ritz

If you ski, or skate or curl, or play hock-ey
Come to Sochi, and wear your mitts
Putin on the Ritz

Russian athletes are the best,
we’ll beat the homos from the West, all misfits
Putin on the Ritz

That’s where each and every commisar goes
Op’ning ceremony in their fur clothes
Rubbin’ elbows

Come let’s mix, where KGB agents walk with sticks
And AK’s in their mitts
Putin on the Ritz

If you’re blue, and you don’t know where to go to
(Y-M-C-A– is NOT an option)
Just go where Edward Snowden sits
Putin on the Ritz

Op’ning show will Putin buy it?
Chekov sung by Pussy Riot, all misfits
Putin on the Ritz

There’s a special place where pro-tes-ters go
Called Siberia – I hope they like snow, Frozen’ elbows

Come let’s mix, where cossacks do walk with sticks
And AK’s in their mitts
Putin on the Ritz! Putin on the Ritz! Putin on the Ritz!

In Russia is 2 part system comrades –
Putin party and Going-away party!


Planet Washington Home Version For Snowbound!

There’s One-Stop Shopping — with a Smily Face.
Sam Walton started a variety store in 1945 with $5,000 savings and a $20,000 loan from his father in law. His children are now among the richest Americans listed each year by Forbes. Wal Mart stores stock everything, are everywhere, and are open 24/7. As the largest US private sector employer, a major buyer of everything, & major competitor, they are not without controversy. But one thing is for certain, all around Tom Friedman’s Flat World, American capitalism now has a little yellow smiley face on it.

United States of Wal-Mart
Parody of Under the Boardwalk by Ken Rynne
© 2005 Brighton Productions

When I need a shovel or a brand new suit of clothes,
There is one-stop shopping in a place that everybody knows.
I shop at Wal-mart, to buy my teddys, tools, or tires.
At the snack bar with my baby that’s where I’ll be.
I go to Wal-Mart, for shoes and socks,
I go to Wal-mart, for watches and clocks,
I go to Wal-mart, for crackers and cheese,
I go to Wal-Mart, for my BVDs,
I go to Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart.

When the plant shut down, they moved production overseas,
I got a job in sales, I sell imported clothes and cheap TVs.
I work at Wal-Mart, where I sell cameras and DVDs,
If it ain’t made in China well that’s news to me.
I go to Wal-Mart, to buy a phone,
I go to Wal-Mart, for a sub-prime loan,
I go to Wal-Mart, for a new backpack,
I go to Wal-Mart, for my Prozac,
I go to Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart.

When I fell behind they took my credit cards and house away,
I searched in vain for a decent place for me my dog and wife to stay.
Now I live at Wal-Mart, between the housewares and sporting goods,
Cookin’ breakfast on the Coleman, is where I’ll be.
I live at Wal-Mart, seven twenty-four,
I live at Wal-Mart, park right by the door,
I live at Wal-Mart, got a photo place,
I live at Wal-Mart, I wear a smiley face,
I live at Wal-Mart, Wal-mart!
when news breaks, we fix it

Upcoming Shows

Ken Rynne’s New Jeers for the New Year — January 18 — at a new location! The Beacon Hotel!

Catch the Laughs Saturday Night!

Gut-Busting, Politician-Skewering
At a NEW Boutique Location
The Beacon Hotel, 1615 Rhode Island Ave
Washington, DC 20036

Don’t miss a unique evening of hilarious musical social satire & riotous political spoofs, performed by former Hill Staffer and Capitol Step the irreverent Ken Rynne and dynamic keyboard sidekick Frank Plumer.

Cabaret Setting – Drink & Eat, Laugh & Repeat!

“If laughter is still the best medicine, Ken Rynne is a one-man Mayo Clinic.” – PBS NewsHour’s MARK SHIELDS

“Funny! Pithy! And you have a better piano player than I do.” – MARK RUSSELL